Piercings

The reason I got the piercing is because I want to stop trying to be perfect all the time. I want a flaw that I know is there to reminds me that I don’t have to be perfect, or to even try to be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes and I wanted a reminder of that. I wanted to remind myself that I’m free and nothing holds me back except for myself. I don’t need to be the perfect sister, girlfriend, daughter, or woman. I needed a reminder that I am free to mess up sometimes and that I’m good enough the way I am, piercings and all. I want to remember that I can do things and I am an adult now. I need a reminder that it’s ok to have fun. I needed to remind myself that I don’t have to keep to anyone’s standard but my own

The pain of the past

Memories like shatter glass surround me
I have no where left to go but through them
I have to experience each and every one in order to cross
I have to feel the pain and sorrow of each broken piece in order to reach a better place
No matter what path I take I have to fight my way through them
Each time I take a step another piece stabs into my foot making my progress more and more difficult
I am bleeding from the struggle of carrying all of these hurts
But I know that if I can make it through I will stop hurting
I need help but no one but me can take this path
After all these are my memories that surround me, not anybody else’s
No matter the pain or frustration I keep struggling on wards
I may stop or stubble, but I never turn around
Never look back to where I once was
Because despite the pain of the fight, I’m in a better place than I once was
A place of no knowledge of the pain, but also the joys that lie a head
No matter what I must keep moving forward, because to turn around would mean destruction and eventual death

Fear

Fear is the thing that defines us
The thing that can either make us strong or break us
Nothing can help us but ourselves
Some people fear fear itself
While others fear certain things
But fear touches each and everyone
What you do with that fear is what defines you
Will you cower in fear or will you stand up
Not having fear is not what makes you brave or courageous
What make you brave is how you act when faced with this fear

Relax

What is it that soothes you?
Is it the sound of another’s heartbeat as they lay next to you
Is it petting and animal like a dog or cat
Or is it the sight of a millions stars twinkling down on you and making you feel small
Why do these things make people so calm
What is it about this that makes is at peace
All we really need is to take a moment and smell the roses
The beauty of our surroundings is something we often miss
So take a breath and put the world on pause

My anxiety rises like water before a high tide
I am trapped in this room with nothing to do
Nothing to ease the feeling building in my stomach
There is nothing that keeps me here except for myself
But I can’t seem to break free from this cage I’m in
The walls I’ve built to keep me safe are now my prison
I can’t relax or breathe here anymore
Trapped in my own fears

I hate every single bit and piece of this
I hate the exhaustion
I hate the way every good thing has a terrible down side
I hate this feeling I have within me
I hate this self loathing
I hate this sadness
I hate this loss of time
I hate the lack of motivation
I hate that the only thing I want to do is lay in bed
I hate this feeling of frustration
I hate this helplessness that accompanies depression
I hate everything that controls me now
I hate hurting others because of my lack of motivation
I hate being told what I could do if I was less depressed
I hate disappointing people
I hate my weaknesses
I hate my anger
I hate my hurt

Desire

I have a burning desire
It grows stronger and stronger as each day goes by
I want to be with him
I want to scream it out
I want to grab him and tell him he’s mine and no one else’s
I want to cuddle with him but I also want to hit him
I want to whisper “you bastard” in his ears as he plays with me
I want to stay up all night talking with him
I want to struggle through life and fight with him
But I know this is only just me
He still feels for another and can’t be with me without guilt
I wish things were different
But I doubt they’ll ever be

This kind of existence makes me feel disgusted. Every morning I wake up look at myself in my mirror and I think the world isn’t getting any better.
This waiting and sorrow makes me hurt.
It makes me sick.
I don’t know what to do with this feeling anymore.
I wish for a better existence but I know nothing is going to get better. There’s nowhere to run or hide. All I am left with is what I am. I try to run and hide, but how can someone hide from who they are? There is no escaping from yourself